Starting over the healing process has been one of the scariest experiences of my life. We’re not talking jump scare in a video game scary. We’re talking about an ever-present fear that bites at your heels. Persistent. Frustrating. Yippy. The reality of my disability is that I’ve learned to accept this.

The past year has been rough for me. Moving across the country and starting the process of divorce? Finding a new medical care team? Starting over as a person and creator? That’s a lot for anyone and that’s not the entire list. I’m still not okay, but I’ve made progress. A part of that progress was learning that big life changes aren’t a cure-all. They’ve helped, but I am not fixed — nor do I want to be.

I am disabled. I am mentally ill. I have experienced a lot of trauma in my life. The fear, for me, overwhelms me daily. These are all facts that I cannot deny, but I also cannot deny the fact that every day I get up is a day that I have lived. There’s no need for my magnum opus to only be about the pain I’ve endured.

So how does one go about healing when life keeps smacking the cane out from under you? The answer is different for every disabled person. It’s okay to feel lost. We can start with some things that have helped me and — maybe — these things will help you or a loved one, too.

First: Prioritize What You Need Over What Makes Others Comfortable

I understand there’s an inherent privilege that comes with suggesting this. I used to be in a position where I felt unsafe prioritizing my needs. My solution to this back then and now remains the same: start small. Leaning on walls when I needed a break, sitting down to clean, and using hand braces when it hurt to create. And if you feel you can’t do these things when folks are around, it’s still okay for you to do these things when you’re alone. Go at your own pace!

Chances are if you feel like an accommodation would help you exist, it will. Want to know the good news? You only need permission from yourself to try new things. So long as you are safe, if grandma thinks it’s a bit odd to sit to dust, that’s on her not you.

Second: Stop Using Able-bodied Creators As Your Go To For What Your Own Timeline Should Look Like

The worst burnout I’ve endured was trying to act, create, and produce the same as able-bodied creators. There was a lot of shame. A lot of guilt. A massive heap of internalized ableism. I grew up with a very specific idea of what success was. When my disabilities forced me to deviate from that timeline of success I made for myself? It was new. It was scary. It was lonely. Once I processed some of those emotions I started following disabled artists. When I did that, the world felt like there were possibilities again.

Follow disabled artists you enjoy. Look at their timeline and the way they work. We aren’t interchangeable, but looking at the timeline of other community members can be helpful. Seeing folks that have similar experiences to you can be comforting. To me, even now, it still is. There’s a diverse community out there with stories of their own to tell.

Grappling with misgivings you have or internalized ableism is okay. Not knowing what the future holds is okay too. Just know that there’s a vibrant community of artists that are disabled — you don’t have to be alone. Your ability to produce doesn’t make you or your art less.

Third: Demand More In Life, In The Way People Treat You

Keep in mind that with my advice your results may vary. For myself? I lost a lot of people about ten months ago. Exiting a toxic situation whilst being on death’s door took every ounce of effort I had. Many people left because I couldn’t produce. If I hadn’t had support from my current partner, my family, and the couple of friends that stuck with me? I would be dead right now. Full stop.

When the dust settled after my move and I started reaching out? More hard realities. A lot of things that made people unhappy or made people leave wouldn’t change or couldn’t be changed overnight. My SVT makes it hard for me to go to events. My food allergies make going out to eat a chore. My pain levels often make it a fight for me to mentally want to make it to the next day. That’s a lot. It’s too much for a lot of people. It’s okay to need more than what others can give, too.

All I can say, in that regard, is that the people that do not care about how much you can give at any time are worth more than gold. For myself, adjusting to having a smaller group of loved ones was difficult, but I am more at peace now. There’s less drama. There’s less disappointment. There’s less guilt on my end.

It took me over a decade to learn that it’s better to let go of people that will resent me for not being able to give all the time. If people don’t want to ‘see your disability’, then that speaks more about them as a person than it does you. Your needs as someone disabled does not excuse mistreatment. Can’t churn out art all day? That’s okay too. You deserve better as an artist and as a person.

If you’re safe enough to demand better, you should.

If you aren’t safe enough to demand better? You deserve to be heard. You deserve to be treated well. You deserve to be treated as a reliable narrator of your own story. These are things I wished more people had told me, so I hope this resonates when I say you deserve all that and more.

About The Creator

Alejandro Wilson is a queer, trans, and disabled artist who lives in Wichita, KS. They were previously published in Polaris National Undergraduate Magazine, EcoTheo, and In Parentheses. In early 2022, Alejandro created Oxblood Junction with the intent of starting over and using their creativity as an avenue of healing and expression.

Ways To Support The Artist

Alejandro’s goal is to keep blog-based content free to access on OXJ along with all current visual media-based projects. That being said, as a disabled creator Alejandro is deeply appreciative of folks that have the means to leave a tip on Ko-fi or Cashapp. Your support from commenting on posts, sharing content, and more truly makes a difference! For folks that are interested in hiring for both visual and written content, you can reach them through email, Twitter, Facebook, or Instagram.

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